T Storm Heter
Composed Nov 2018. Posted July 17, 2019
Dedicated to Lori Kaye, who was murdered on April 27, 2019 in the Poway Synagogue shooting, which took place six months to the day after the Tree of Life Shooting in Pittsburg. Lori rushed the shooter, placing herself in front of her rabbi, saving his life and others.
Dedicated also to the victims of the Vel d’Hiv roundup in Paris, which took place 77 years ago, to the day. Zikhrono livrakha, may their memory be a blessing.
Self-care day gets sidetracked by non-self-care
Another shooting
Bloody survivors crying
Talking about the guns
News always names the gun
Some details we don’t need
The conservatives hope it’s a “middle easterner”
But…it’s a white marine
A dude whose had “domestic issues”
The day is fucked
I’m exhausted from stress of
Reading about bad shit
Trump destroys our country
One executive order at a time
I see the stress on the faces of my students
They are just trying to get by another day in
AmeriKKKa
11 Jews die in synagogue
I’m not over it
I’m not going to get over it
Two weeks ago
And suddenly my Jewishness
Feels like a weight
Around my neck
My girls, I ask them
How do you feel
M. says
“I knew this would happen”
I. says “I’m okay”
These two girls grow up in a world
Where being Jewish
Is met with
Violence
Thinking of my Grandpa Bud
Fighting Nazis in Amsterdam
After the war he brought home a Luger
From a dead Nazi
Summer 2017
Unite the Right
“The Jew will not replace us”
Fall 2017
Al-right gun nut
Harasses me
Threatens me
Doxxes me
My school says “don’t talk about it”
Three weeks ago
At Penn State
I drive three hours
I am there three hours
I drive three hours
Back home
To talk about it
I talked about it
I am talking about it
Talking
Back at work
A three-hour diversity meeting
Banging my head against the wall
Against the wall
Ahmed, the wall
Just like she says
Anger
Mixed with rage
And confusion
And impotence
Political impotence
Can’t act
Can’t move
Get dressed and shave
Is that self-care?
The self-care routine breaks down
The air is molasses
I can’t move
Can’t breathe
The news makes me
…ill
…angry
…watch more news
Is this my escape?
Tamer Nafar
Chuck D
These are my fuckin heroes
Touched by fire, by god
Where is that fire in me?
Where is that god in me?
I try to say: write philosophy
As if that’s my rap, my poetry
There is a lot of shit inside of me
The feeling inside of being beaten down
Of being a survivor
The guilt fucks with your head
Why me?
Why did I survive?
At what cost
Did I wake up alive today?
Survivor is a noun
I need the verb
The violence is in my soul
It’s in my brain
Feeling his angry breath to this day
Deep sadness inside me
The death of a brother
The sadness of a Christian hell
The sadness of a father never satisfied
The sadness of a mom’s broken nose
The sadness of a mind cage
Don’t talk
Don’t talk about it
Don’t talk
Don’t tell
Not my besties
Nobody
At a breaking point
Feeling like a freak
Inside this skin
There’s no protection
Chuck D protected me
PE kept me alive
Kept me on the road
Kept me from driving into the sun
Chuck D, the father I needed
Seeing death on the TV
Dead TV
Death TV
Murder in a synagogue
An angry white kid
Snaps
This violence
Is a daily affair
Name the
White boy violence
That infects American veins
Talk, talk, talk
11 Jews die in synagogue
I’m not over it
I’m not going to get over it
Two weeks ago
And suddenly my Jewishness
Feels like a weight
Around my neck